How to speak up?
I want to share my advice to a question I get asked at every session or workshop I run…
How do we speak up when we see or hear something we feel is wrong?
This is always a tricky one to navigate. We understand more, and we want to step up as an ally. But how do we do this? There are a number of ways, and the simplest I have found can be split into two groups. Calling In and Calling Out.
Calling in
“Calling in” is a way to take potentially difficult and uncomfortable conversation into a more private, one to one, or small group setting. The basis is that you can have a specific discussion about why a certain comment or behaviour has impacted you and allow for education and understanding to be shared. This is also a really good way to have conversations with people who may have authority over you, when calling them out publicly might shame them to double down in defensiveness or turn into a career limiting move for you!
Calling in allows you to share why you felt the way you did and explain the impact the event had on you. As an ally it’s also a good opportunity to share your own growth moments where you might have done similar in the past, to lessen defensiveness and create a stronger impact of your position.
You could try saying:
"I’d like to talk to you about when you said _______. I'm curious, what was your intention when you said it?"
“I used to believe ______ too. But then I learned that ________, and now I realise ______.”
“How might the impact of your words or actions differ from your intention?”
“How might someone else see this differently?”
“Is it possible that someone else might misinterpret your words/actions?”
“What makes you think that’s the case?”
Calling Out
Calling out is bringing public attention to an individual or groups harmful words or behaviour. This is probably a term we’re already familiar with. Getting “called out” can be something that we dread happening to us, especially if our words or behaviours cause unintentional harm. So, what can we do if we’re on the other side of a comment, if we’re offended and we want to call someone else out on their behaviour? And how can we do it in a way that is both effective and less likely to escalate to a confrontation?
When might you call out?
When it’s urgent
Sometimes you might have an urgent need to hit "pause" to prevent further harm to others or yourself and make it clear to others present that you are not in agreement with what is being said or done.
Examples could be:
“That’s not our culture here. Those aren’t our values or how we behave, please don’t do that again.”
“It sounded like you said ______. Is that what you really meant?”
“It sounds like you’re making some assumptions that we need to address.”
When previous attempts to “call in” have failed
We know that calling in is a good way to address poor behaviour or language privately, but sometimes people just won’t listen or refuse to change. This is when calling them out might be required. You will highlight to the person that you’re serious about not tolerating their behaviour, and signal to others that it hasn’t gone unnoticed and it’s time for it to stop.
Examples could be:
“You know I don’t find that funny. I’d appreciate you not making jokes like that when I’m around.”
“I need to push back against that. You know I disagree, and I don’t see it that way.”
“I need you to know how your comment just landed on me.”
Things to remember:
Whether we’re choosing to call a person in or out, we must remember there will be times that we all do and say things that will cause harm to others. Stay mindful of how your intervention may be received, and be open to listening when it’s other people who are brining awareness to our own comments and behaviours too.
Always stay in the First Person
Whether we decide to call in or call out, we must always make sure to keep our challenges and feedback in the first person. Use “I” language. Because we will be sharing our observations, from our perspective, in our position as an ally.
If we, as a white person, call Dave out (sorry Dave), on his clumsy but racist remark it must come from us. “Dave, I know you didn’t mean it to sound this way, but I need you to know how your comment made me feel.”
Because when we say “Dave, I know you didn’t mean it to sound this way, but I need you to know that your comment might have been offensive to Samira.” If we did this publicly, we have immediately put Samira on the spot to have to pick a side. And if we did this privately, we have created a situation where Samira will have to offer an opinion later on when Dave undoubtedly questions her on it. In essence, we’re making Samira responsible for our decision to speak up. This is not ok.
Always keep your focus on what YOU think, feel, see and hear. Because you can be confident about that, and no-one can argue with you, because it’s your truth.