The problem with Lady Hussey and *that* question.
Now, unless you’ve been avoiding the news and almost every social media platform this past week, you will have noticed a lot of talk about a certain charity event at Buckingham Palace. I’m not going into the details of what happened, but if you did miss it, you can read more in the BBC’s report on the incident here.
But the summary is that Ngozi Fulani, founder of the charity Sistah Space, was repeatedly asked by Lady Hussey “where are you really from?”. Now, I would like to think that most of us will already see the problem with a white person asking a Black person “where are you from?”, but what I want to unpack here is why.
Because, honestly, there will be times when we will all be curious to know more about a person we’re talking to. And we very well may want to know where they live, where they grew up, or if they’re local to the place we’re physically in at that moment. So, for this reason it is absolutely okay to ask a person where they are from.
HOWEVER… What we need to be conscious of is our motivation behind this curiosity – and what we do with the answers we are given.
Let’s break it down…
For example, if you are asking a person where they are from purely because they look different to you (and especially if you are white) then you first need to check in with yourself for internal racism and ask:
what makes me think the answer is something other than >insert place name that you are in<?
would I be asking the same question of a person who did look like me?
If the answer is anything close to “they aren’t white” “they don’t look like me” or “no I wouldn’t”, then you really need to back away from the question and make some quiet time for yourself later, to sit and reflect on this. Because if you do continue down this path, you will likely be feeding these internal racist assumptions about who does and doesn’t belong on the basis of their skin colour, and it is most likely you will cause the other person harm in doing so.
At this point, I do feel the need to say that we all have internalised racism. It is the nature of the society we are born into and brought up.
As a white person I have had to reflect and grapple with the fact that I do not desire to be racist, but I have benefitted from systems, structures and thinking that is. It is up to me to keep this in check and to challenge myself when my behaviour and assumptions are influenced in this way.
So, believe me when I say, asking you to reflect on your own internalised racism is not a personal attack on who you are. I know you’re lovely! But I also know we have all been socialised in a way that IS racist, IS sexist, IS ableist etc.
So, we must get comfortable checking ourselves privately in our thoughts, before these thoughts become words and actions, and we’re asking a stupid question like “where are you really from?”.
So, with much love, let’s continue…
If you are asking a person where they are from because they have a name that sounds different to yours (and especially if you are white) then again, you first need to check in with the internal thoughts and ask:
what makes me think that a name that sounds different to mine means a person is “not from here”?
Because if the answer is along the lines of “it’s not a normal name” “their name sounds foreign” or “I can’t spell or pronounce it”, then again, we really need to back away from the question and make some quiet time for ourselves later. After all, all names are simply a collection of letters and sounds. Some we are familiar with, others less so, but all are equally valid, and none have the monopoly on belonging. If you really must say something, why not try “what a lovely name”, which allows a person to expand on it if they wish. And if they don’t, that’s your cue to keep the conversation moving – and move on you must.
Why it’s REALLY a terrible question.
The real problem with “where are you really from?” (aside from the already discussed racist assumption of a person’s belonging), is the refusal to believe a them when they answer the first time.
According to the BBC the conversation at the palace was recounted by Ngozi Fulani as follows:
Lady SH: Where are you from?
Me: Sistah Space.
SH: No, where do you come from?
Me: We're based in Hackney.
SH: No, what part of Africa are you from?
Me: I don't know, they didn't leave any records.
SH: Well, you must know where you're from, I spent time in France. Where are you from?
Me: Here, the UK.
SH: No, but what nationality are you?
Me: I am born here and am British.
SH: No, but where do you really come from, where do your people come from?
The insistence of continuously asking someone “where they are from” and not taking their answer as fact the very first time is nothing other than racism. Deciding that a person who is Black or brown must be from somewhere other than where they say, only because their answer doesn’t fit your world view, is racist.
So, if we’ve checked in with ourselves and we know we’re asking the question because it’s appropriate and because we want to get to know someone better, there is nothing wrong with asking a person where they are from.
You may want to consider how you word it, opting for “are you from >insert place where you are meeting<?” or “do you live locally?”, as ways to genuinely build a connection. But whatever they say, and however they choose to answer (or not) respect that. Believe them regardless of what your internal thoughts might be saying to you (you can have a word with those pesky socialised isms later on!).
Challenging someone about their own identity is not your call. And it will never be ok.
So, before you ask someone where they are really from, remember to say to yourself:
“why am I really asking?”