Looking back to move forward.

Reflections from a year in Lockdown.

12 months ago I was a few weeks into a brand new role in a company I had loved working in for a number of years. I was lucky enough to already know some of the people I worked with, and was on the way to building relationships with those I didn’t.

Also 12 months ago I, along with everyone else, entered a new phase in my life.  This phase was called Lockdown.

I work in HR.  If I thought I was busy before Lockdown arrived, well I had another “unprecedented” think coming.

There were Government announcements to be listened to daily, and information to be pulled together and shared at breakneck speed, with enough confidence to keep our people feeling reassured, but not so much that we made promises we wouldn’t be able to keep.  It was an ever changing landscape, after all.  

It was interesting and unknown territory, but also excruciating and, frankly, exhausting.

As we figured it out I felt the sense of community with my friends, family, colleagues and neighbours.  We came together to weather the storm and celebrate our key workers, while remaining physically absent from each other's lives.

Like many others around the world, I adjusted my usually office based activity to a small green room at home.  I became a Teams expert overnight and engaged in countless quizzes, online drinks, polls, surveys and meetings.  

So many online meetings.  

I had no idea that I would long for those moments walking between meeting rooms or grabbing a “quick brew”.

I took up running regularly in the week and actually looked forward to getting out to do it!  I excitedly woke up on a Saturday morning to join the Parkrun Quiz with a sausage buttie, and if I’m honest, enjoyed this more than the usual 5k.

The formal Lockdown restrictions eased, but as someone who could work at home, I remained in my tiny green room.  It was the right thing to do.  I felt caged in.  

My life was almost entirely virtual and it was exhausting.  Except I couldn’t explain why, because I wasn’t “doing” anything.  I was now familiar with “zoom fatigue” (or at least the Teams equivalent).

I cursed the deep moss coloured walls for sapping the light and space from around me.  I felt like the Incredible Hulk surrounded me, and I wasn’t entirely sure the frustration of this wouldn’t eventually consume me and send me on a raging tantrum around the kitchen.

I painted the room beige.

It felt good.

My own personal Lockdown continued...

With all that said, I was enjoying my work and finding the one huge upside to being totally remote was my improved connections with my European colleagues, who I wouldn’t usually see this often.  We met regularly and our projects were exciting!  This I wanted to hold on to.

Then my world changed.

I was made redundant.

In truth, this was not a total surprise to me.  Like I said, I work in HR and even though I didn't know exactly what my own fate was, I knew what was happening in the business around me and it didn’t take a genius to figure out I was not exempt.

For anyone who has experienced this, it’s a journey through a range of emotions: shock (even when you know it’s coming), sadness, anger, frustration, peace, resolution, determination, curiosity, relief.  Not in equal measures, not in any particular order, and sometimes more than one at a time.

My little bubble surrounding my now beige room was going to pop. I needed to come up with another plan.

I turned to LinkedIn.

Like so many others during this time, I started looking to see what opportunities were out there.  And there were opportunities.  There was a lot of competition too.

I started thinking seriously about what I wanted and what I had to offer. I also started thinking about what I didn’t want.

I knew I loved working with people.  I loved connection and collaboration. I loved listening and challenging. I loved building relationships and being creative.  I loved laughing and making people laugh. I loved opening up conversations that improved relationships, experimenting and driving changes that made workplaces better, and challenging the status quo by asking why (and why not).

I knew I did not love transacting in line with policies and procedures just because they were best practice. I did not love “copy & paste” activities that were plonked from one place to another and assumed to work. I did not love the idea of playing corporate politics and phrasing things “just so” to keep with the message or pretending I was on board with something when I wasn’t (probably because I knew I wouldn’t be very good at it tbh).  

Most importantly I knew I needed work and leadership that connected with my values. I needed to believe in what I was doing and who I was doing it for.

I found some excellent companies, through LinkedIn and agencies, and did my very best preparation for applications and interviews.  I got to a few second and even third stage opportunities, but sadly the offers and success were not to be mine.  

It was frustrating and disappointing, but I knew from all the posts there were so many others feeling just like me. We were all good enough, we just hadn’t found the thing that was meant to be ours yet.

This is when it struck me.

I was banging on all the time about wanting to help individuals be the best versions of themselves and to support conversations to address the real issues.  I wanted to work with leaders to make their organisations successful through the power of their people, designing systems that worked for them, and not the other way around.

I wanted to follow a leader of my own, who believed in what I did.

So why wasn’t I getting behind myself?

And so, Katie Allen Consulting was born.

Or rather, not quite like that.  There were lots of conversations at home about how financially feasible this would be.  Lots of “um-ing and ah-ing” and sleepless nights questioning if I could really step in the world of being self-employed (and away from a regular income).  So many conversations with other amazing consultants and coaches who were already doing this, gathering insight and advice, along with reaching out to some connections to see if this would even be of interest.  

Then… in December 2020 Katie Allen Consulting was born.  HR support and coaching focused on courageous conversations, human centred leadership and the understanding that one size doesn't fit all. 

That’s more like it!

Just in time for my birthday and the next total Lockdown (complete with bubbles, Christmas bubbles, Tiers that changed overnight and whatever the heck else was going on then - did anyone really understand it?!).

It’s at this point I have to say that I recognise how fortunate I have been.  

I don’t have children, so I’ve not had to navigate the observable hell that was homeschooling and keeping them entertained.  Neither I nor my family around me contracted Covid-19, so I have not suffered the devastating losses that so many other people have.  I wasn’t getting married or planning a life event that I had to put on hold.

Sure, I had a lockdown birthday (we all have now right?!), but honestly I’m at that age that forgetting to count a few won’t upset me anyway.

I acknowledge my privilege in having the opportunities available to me to be able to make the decisions I made, and how blessed I am to have a partner who is able to support me while I give this thing a go.

But now, 12 months on from the day all of our lives began to shift and change, I have great empathy for those who have experienced the heart wrenching loss and sorrow during those months, and also for those who it will continue for.

With the roll out of the vaccination programs and the hope this brings, I must admit I am looking back at this period with very mixed emotions.  I am saddened by what this pandemic has meant for so many families, and the devastating impact this has had on humanity and the already critical situations that existed in our societies before all this.

But I do have to admit that I am grateful for the decisions this challenging year has forced me to make.  I am grateful for the courage and determination I have seen in so many others and how this has inspired me to step up, to be courageous and determined in my own way too.

I have no desire to “return” to normal as we regain control of this pandemic.  Why would we go backwards when there has been so much pain, loss and misery that can’t be undone.

I choose to move forward, with learning and growth.  With the knowledge that we can create something new and more commemorative of what we have been through, that will help us all get back on our feet.

Back on our feet to move forward.