Understanding the cost of being an Ally.
Wait, what? There are costs and consequences to being an ally? I thought you said being an ally was a good thing, Katie?!
Yes. And it is. But as with all things that are rooted in real and meaningful change, there can also be an opposite side to allyship, and one we must be prepared for if we are to stay the course when it comes showing up for others who are different to us.
Because remember: Allyship; it’s not about us.
And if you’re wondering to yourself, “hang on, what the heck is allyship?” – don’t worry you can read my article “What exactly is an ally?” right here.
Right then… Why is allyship needed?
I often get asked why I focus on allyship as the core of my group coaching sessions. And I get it. It’s not as well understood as unconscious bias training, which is widely talked about in most businesses nowadays. But for me the very foundation of being able to “do the work” when it comes to equity and inclusion is rooted allyship. In understanding the aspects of our identities that hold privilege and power in society. In understanding that change will not happen from a passive position, and that allyship requires action. Knowing that before we can bring awareness to our biases and keep ourselves in check, we must first understand how to listen and centre the experiences of others, to understand the impact our narrow world view has on our behaviours. In realising that not everything is about us.
The first role of an ally is knowing when to step back and recognise that your voice is not required, leaving space for the thoughts, feelings and perspectives of others to be heard. But it’s also important to know when to speak up for those who are not in a position to do so for themselves. When we possess a level of power and privilege in society, it can often be easier for us to do this. To bring attention when it’s needed to places it otherwise might not be. And having the confidence to take action that benefits everyone and seeks to level the playing field for those that have previously been excluded is a big thing.
This is because using our own platform to step up and amplify the voices of others will automatically bring with it attention of its own. Attention that we intend in terms of raising awareness, educating others or highlighting injustice. But it might also bring with it unwanted attention in the form labels, judgement, comments, and a risk to our reputation.
What do I mean by this? Well, let’s unpack it.
The costs and consequences of being an ally
Let’s take an example…
This week in the race for UK Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak is making his final bid to win support in the Conservative party. He has decided to declare his position when it comes to the LGBTQIA+ community, and call supporters of Transgender rights “woke nonsense”. Suggesting that he will tighten the guidelines of the 2010 Equality Act and narrow the statutory guidance in schools regarding the teaching of LGBTQ inclusive education (Pink News). While, Jacog Rees-Mogg and Liz Truss are going after “woke supporters” and Diversity Officers in the civil service (Sky News).
As an ally I shall definitely be speaking out about this and loudly. But what might be the costs and consequences in doing?
As a business owner and consultant:
I shall continue to advise my clients to keep their policies and practices fully inclusive, regardless of any legislative “bare minimum” requirements. But I know, that speaking openly about my views on this, and seeking to raise awareness of this issue, there will be some organisations and individuals who will not agree with my perspective. Taking a stand as an ally might well cost me future clients and potential income. The same may apply to you as a business owner, or an employee, if sharing the views that you believe in go against those of your clients or employer.
As a family member or friend:
This is also one I have come up against in a myriad of ways – speaking out against racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, ageism! There is always someone in my life who feels I may have gone too far. And depending on the nature of that relationship will depend on the cost. I have lost friends whose views I consider too misaligned to my own values (I can recall one incredibly difficult discussion I had about “reverse racism” and I knew in that moment our friendship couldn’t survive).
There are other conversations I’ve had confine to the pile of “things we don’t talk about” too, such as discussions with my dad about gender not being binary. If he were anyone else, I’d let him drift, but he’s my dad. So if we’re talking politics or gender identity I know I either can’t go there, or if I can’t let it go, I just have to accept it will get heated and we will butt heads!
As an employee:
Luckily this isn’t one I have to worry about anymore, but I remember the days when I would be labelled “outspoken” or “trouble”, or have people say things like “don’t get her started about X”. Because my views were part of who I was, and I would speak out when I didn’t agree with things or saw behaviours that weren’t ok. This became part of my reputation. A part of me that a lot of employers actually wanted, provided it was the stuff they wanted to hear! But that’s the thing with being an ally, it’s who we are – all of the time! The consequences of my commitment to what I believe in are reputational and I have to understand and own that.
PAUSE FOR SOME BONUS LEARNING!
What is the meaning of “woke”?
Put simply, it’s someone who is aware of and alert to injustice in society, especially racism.
Our government might be building the case for being “anti-woke”… but I for one am proud of it!
Now, like I say, there can be real and genuine costs and consequences to allyship.
Being labelled as a troublemaker or being too outspoken
Being judged by others for taking a stand when the rest of the group opts for harmonious ignorance
Not winning, or better still, turning down work because you can’t align with the values of a client, employer or associate
Being challenged privately and publicly for holding views that your peers, family and friends may not
The time and energy required to remain actively tuned into the environment around you, even when it gets hard or you have other things going on. Because, sadly, racism, sexism, ageism, ableism, homophobia and transphobia aren’t in the habit of taking a day off.
But the real thing about being an ally is that when you do occupy a position of societal power or privilege, you can shoulder these costs and consequence with relative ease, and with very little long-term damage. Yes, it might sting a bit or get a little uncomfortable, but ultimately, I can afford to pay the price.
Because I will be speaking up in support of anti-racism and LGBTQIA+ rights, and specifically the rights of Trans people, and I know I will get some backlash from it in the form of comments or losing followers. But that negative impact pales into insignificance when I think about the backlash that Black, Queer or Trans people get when they speak out themselves. For them, the costs and consequences are real, hateful and potentially life threatening.
This is why allyship is important.
Because if we are only prepared to sacrifice something to defend ourselves, then there will be no-one left to stand up for us when it’s our turn to ask for help.
Now I don’t say any of this to put you off, I say this to drive you on. Because your reputation can stand it. Your ego can weather it. Your friends and family will see you were on the right side of history in the end.
There is a cost to allyship, but you CAN afford it.
And I’m right here with you.