5 Steps to a successful Apology
Working with aspiring allies, I’ve lost count of the times I’ve heard people talk about how their fears stop them engaging in a way they would like.
The fear of saying the wrong thing. The fear of upsetting someone. The fear of being called out, blamed, or looking bad. The fear of looking too behind the times. The fear of looking to “woke”. All these feelings of being shamed and exposed! So much so, that we would rather do nothing than something.
And it’s funny, but of all the things we’re taught as we grow up, I don’t ever recall being taught how to apologise. I recall as a child being told to say “I’m sorry”, which I no doubt will have said (whether I meant it or not!). And I can definitely remember saying it, many times, with heart felt meaning and genuine remorse.
But what I don’t recall is learning how to acknowledge when I am in the wrong, without making it all about my own feelings! Or how to meaningfully convey that to someone else.
And better still, how to take what I have learned in that moment of not making it about me and my regret, in order to do something different or better in the future.
So, what makes a good apology?
When embracing accountability one the most powerful support tools we all have is knowing how to apologise. Properly. When we know we have done wrong, or could have done better, addressing it swiftly, sincerely and then moving on can be critical to getting back on track.
Depending on what it is you need to apologise for, will depend on how you may want to approach it. But, these 5 steps will, in my experience, always set you up on the right footing to say you’re sorry and make amends.
1. Acknowledge the offence
2. Accept responsibility
3. Express genuine regret
4. Offer reparations
5. Learn and move on
AND let’s remember that a proper apology is a beginning not an end.
It is the start of doing better.
If you feel you can’t offer a genuine apology in the moment, there is no shame in acknowledging that and asking for time to reflect on your feelings. If you are emotional, angry or bewildered you will continue to only place your own feelings at the centre of the situation, and not those of the person or people you are apologising to.
So, take a time out.
Think.
Are you preparing an apology or an excuse?
PAUSE FOR SOME BONUS LEARNING!
What’s the difference between an apology and an excuse?
Apology = a regretful acknowledgement of an offence or failure.
Excuse = seek to lessen the blame attaching to (a fault, offence or failure); try to justify.
Yeah, but what I did was really bad…
Honestly, if what you did truly was a catastrophic cluster-muck.
If you made choices so bad that no-one can move on from it, and you yourself cannot find a way to maintain trust and confidence in yourself or as a leader.
If you honestly cannot step back up to the plate with a new frame of reference that will serve you from this point on. Well, then my friend, step back. Step away. Take your time to figure out what really went wrong and get yourself some help. There will be a way past, over, around or through this, but there is still work for you to do. And you don’t have to do it alone.
Whatever it is, there is good and useful learning in there for you, but you need to be ready to receive it. Because we’re right back at accountability again, and you have got to be honest with yourself (and those that depend on you too).
At some point you have to forgive yourself too.
I know that making mistakes is no fun for anyone. We’re all human and at some point, it is going to happen to all of us. So why not be prepared for it when it does.
I know that letting go of defensiveness and embracing the growth is uncomfortable AF, but I trust that you have all the things you need to do it.