Diversity, equity and inclusion work IS emotional.
This week, we’re getting into the icky stuff…
Today it was always my attention to write about emotions, and how we can often experience a lot of them as we do our work as allies to other communities. And yes, there is a lot of joy to be found in standing in solidarity with others or using our knowledge and privilege to educate and amplify the voices of others. But there are also A LOT more icky ones that arrive for us too, such as guilt, shame, defensiveness, resistance, anger, and fear. So much fear!
But also this week, I had the CIPD People Management magazine plop on my door mat. Now, I wasn’t alone in how triggering I found the “click-baity” style front cover, featuring the words “Does HR have a diversity problem?”. I know this because of the amount of LinkedIn posts I saw talking about the same reaction I had, which was “Yep! No shit!”.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m please the CIPD are dedicating pages of print to “Making HR more diverse”, and yes, representation in HR of anyone who isn’t a cis-gendered, white woman is woefully lacking. But what I witnessed from the LinkedIn debate left me feeling hollow. The overwhelming number of comments from people who had experienced discrimination from their HR teams, the very teams who are supposed to be the people experts and the safe and unbiased professionals to turn to.
Except this wasn’t what shocked me. It was the responses to these comments, from HR professionals, almost all along the lines “not all HR”. And I get it, there are many, many HR people who are doing the work when it comes to DEI. But honestly, if they were doing the actual work, they would know better than to add comments in an attempt to play down, invalidate or silence the very real experiences of those who have been impacted. This is gaslighting. And it’s not ok.
But what drives this behaviour? You guessed it… emotions!
Feelings of defensiveness from belonging to the white cis-gendered group of women that make up the majority or HR teams and taking these experiences somehow as a person attack.
Feelings of guilt for not realising the impact that certain behaviours can have of people who are different to us, because we believe in best practice and being a good person, without understanding that the principles of best practice and what constitutes “good” at work were both created in an unfair system.
Feelings of fear at being called out as racist, of being exposed for not knowing how to support LGBTQIA+ or disabled employees, or of realising we’ve only been representing the businesses interests from our positions of responsibility, and not considering the interests of our people equally or at all.
Yup. Emotions show up ALL THE TIME in this work.
They still do for me too. No-one is immune. When I learn something new, I have to sit with all the ways in which I’ve got it wrong previously, and I have to make peace with that. It’s how I grow and do better.
So, what can you do to sit with your emotions?
Well, you remember how good we’ve all got at talking about mental health? It’s time we started to think about working in the DEI space in the same way.
Mental health = put on your own oxygen mask first. I.e. make sure you look after your own health as a priority, before you start taking care of everyone else.
DEI = turn on your own lights first. i.e. make sure to do your own learning and examination of your own identity, and societal power and privilege first, before you start leading others around in the dark.
You have to let the emotions in, to acknowledge them, to sit with them. This will help you notice them when they continue to show up. This is how you disarm them and learn ways to reframe them to help you. After all, our emotions are our instincts for protection. We need to learn at an instinctive level that there is nothing to be fearful of, only opportunities to grow.
This means:
Getting comfortable being uncomfortable.
Learning about all the great things that diversity and difference provide, as well as all the aspects of your own identity that shield you from the oppression that is faced by those different to you.
Letting go of defensiveness and replacing it with curiosity. You don’t know what you don’t know. Allow yourself to learn.
Understanding that you cannot be effective in being an anti-racist, if you don’t understand what racism is, and how you might benefit from racist systems and societies.
Understanding that you may not intend to be sexist or ableist; but that you may well benefit from sexism and ableism on a daily basis (whether you know it or not).
Realising that you may be defaulting to a hetero-normative or neuro-typical view of the world, and therefore excluding huge numbers of society in your way of being, thinking and behaving.
Realising there is no such thing as “normal”.
Considering everything associated with identity is on a spectrum.
Embracing the space that is just outside your comfort zone and continuing to push and stretch as you learn more.
What’s that I hear you say, you’re really busy and you’d like a shortcut to all this?
Oh yeah! The shortcut! I nearly forgot…
Nope.
Sorry.
No shortcut.
There is no checklist, no magic pill, no single course, podcast, or book you can go to learn all you need to know.
It’s a real cliché, but honestly, it really is a journey. The only way you can get going is to start taking steps.
I know it’s scary, there’s so much to learn right now. But start and it will get easier. I know it’s uncomfortable to look at our own privilege and acknowledge we have benefitted as a result of things we didn’t choose or have control over. But start and it will get easier. I know it’s a worry that you’ll say or do the wrong thing. You will, at some point. I have. I still do. But start and it will get easier.
Sure, you’ll still get things wrong and feel embarrassed. I do too. We’re humans! Getting in touch with our emotions will help us sort through them. It’s better to feel embarrassed and be able to course correct and apologise when needed, than to feel fearful and defensive and never be able to move on.
I know that you can do this.
We all can do this.
Start and it will get easier.
Remember:
Do you own learning and turn the lights ON for yourself first.
Don’t start leading your people around in the dark.
Want to learn more about training courses for aspiring allies? Check out the Autumn Cohorts of my Allyship coaching groups: