Why are we all so scared of getting it wrong?
We may be amazing and unique individual humans, but we are at least consistent when it comes to feeling shame and embarrassment and not wanting to offend!
Without fail, every single time I run a session one reason (and usually the number 1 reason) people give as a barrier to embracing inclusion and allyship is confidence. The fear of saying the wrong thing or doing something to offend another person.
And when I say this, I mean every time - without exception. And honestly, I feel it too.
But why does this happen?
Put simply, it’s in our DNA. It’s evolutionarily baked into us.
What do I mean? Well, we’ve all heard of the terms Fight and Flight. And with good reason. There is a wealth of evidence that exists in support of these being responses that most living creatures poses when it comes to perceived and real threats.
But Katie, how is guffing up on the topic of DEI relevant to evolutionary history?!
Because, quite simply, we have the same kind of fear reaction in our brains when it comes to being eaten by a lion or being called a racist. I’m serious!
Back in the day when we hung out in our small communities in our caves, we were reliant on each other for our very survival. Doing something that might be considered inappropriate by our fellow cave dwellers could see us kicked out of the safety of the group, for the terrifying prospect that was social isolation. Now, way back when if this did happen, it would pretty much mean only one thing. Death.
Attacked by a wild animal – death
No access to the heat of the fire – death
No access to resources and food – death
Being seen as a threat to neighbouring cave dwellers – probably death.
You see where this is going, right?
Our DNA holds shared trauma of the fear of social isolation because this would pretty much guarantee the end of lives. And the idea we might be called out as a racist, or some other socially unacceptable label, triggers the threat of social isolation (or as we now like to call it “being cancelled”), and we will literally do anything to avoid it!
Think about the last time you had to get up in front of an audience and give a talk or presentation. Just being asked to do this is, for most people, the biggest fear of all. The thought we might embarrass or shame ourselves in front of people taps into this fight or flight response. Now if we add in the possibility we might offend someone (or many someone’s) it can all become pretty overwhelming.
This is also why, if we ever do find ourselves on the uncomfortable end of feedback that might suggest we’ve dropped a clanger, we respond in pretty similar way too:
Fight - Attack source of danger, get defensive, deny everything.
Flight – Leave immediately, red faced and ashamed, never speaking of it again and certainly never doing anything that might make us feel like that again.
Sound familiar?
This is why the fear of saying or doing the wrong thing is such a huge barrier to progress when it comes to DEI. We are terrified of being exposed, found out, called out, labelled, or shamed. We’re all for change, and making the world more equal, but honestly, we would much rather avoid the difficult conversations and uncomfortable truths that are needed to achieve this, so we simply never get there.
As a point of note… This my friends, is also a huge sign of our various privileges - being able to ignore the issues in favour of our own comfort… Just saying.
But, is it really as simple as just getting over ourselves?
As with everything the answer is Yes. And No.
Personal Drivers & Psychological Safety
Of course, in addition to Flight and Flight, we will also all have our own personal reasons that drive our desire to not make mistakes. Bad experiences as children or adults that left us feeling vulnerable. Values and beliefs that we hold dear and influence our thinking and our behaviours. Praise and criticism that has shaped our views and our desires of the types of people we are.
Over the years, my work as a coach has helped me understand there are certain drivers that have the power to influence our behaviours, and these usually come down to only a handful of things:
A need to be perfect.
A need to please other people.
A need to be liked.
A need to be strong or in control.
A need to be perfect.
Sometimes we can throw out sayings like “I’m a bit of a perfectionist” but for many of us, this is actually very true and can shape the way we approach almost every aspect of our lives. For me, this was definitely true! Tinkering with wording in emails and presentations for hours, that absolutely no-one but me would ever notice. Making sure my hair and make-up was exactly right, otherwise how would be seen as credible and be taken seriously. Needing to know everything about a certain situation so I knew I was making the right decision. No room for mistakes.
Except this need for perfection restricted my capacity for learning, for listening, for taking risks, for experimentation, for trusting other people, and ultimately for being myself. And because of my work in unlearning this driver and exploring my own privilege, the thing I also now know is that striving for perfection is such an ego driven and privileged thing. I mean, the fact I actually believed (at least subconsciously) that I could achieve perfection if I just tried hard enough, or that such a thing even existed speaks volumes.
So now, I actively practice accepting imperfection. I allow myself to make mistakes and I don’t beat myself up about them (for too long at least). I don’t care about typo’s if you still understand what I’m writing. If my hair’s looking a bit sh!t – so what! It doesn’t mean the words coming out of mouth no longer make sense. I am credible. Always.
And the best part of embracing my own imperfections… I’m so much less judgmental of everyone else now too! Because as much as I hate to accept it, if I was being this rigid with myself and my own thinking, there is no way I wasn’t doing the same to others too.
What’s the result of all this? Besides being happier and getting so much more stuff done (because good enough is good enough, right?!) I also feel a lot less of that fight of flight response. I make a mistake now, and rather than panicking about how that makes me look, hoping that no-one noticed, or getting defensive about why I did what I did, I simply accept it. I do what I need to do to fix it, if I can and if it needs it, and I learn a lesson. Then, most importantly, I move on. I left it go. I mean, I’m not perfect after all.
A need to please other people.
Yup, you know if you’re a people pleaser. Bending over backwards for others and always putting people ahead of yourself. This is why putting your foot in it and offending someone is a definite fight or flight trigger for you (but between me and you, we know it’s pretty much only flight). Knowing you have disappointed someone or let the team down is torturous.
But just like me and my perfectionism, there comes a point where you have to realise that you cannot please everyone. If we’re going to challenge the status quo, we’re going to ruffle some feathers. If we’re going to try and use inclusive language, we need to practice it, and at some point that will actually mean saying it out loud to other people. And we probably will fluff it up. Likely more than once.
Yes, you are right to want to centre the needs of the people around you, so you’ve got that one nailed. But not at the expense of your own learning and your own growth as an ally. And especially not if it means the protection of dominant cultures and inappropriate behaviours. You’ve got to push that comfort zone and risk the ripples that come with it. Both pleasant and unpleasant. It’s a challenge. Knowing how to apologise will help you a lot too. But it will be worth it.
A need to be liked.
Much like our need to please people, our need to be liked prevents us from speaking up, challenging poor behaviours, or trying to do something different from everyone else. Again, the flight response is strong with this one (yup, I did say that out loud in a Yoda voice).
But it’s ok not to be liked by everyone. I mean, do you even like everyone? Pushing outside of our comfort zone means challenging our drive to be seen as “a good person” and taking action as the person who does good instead. Remember, being liked is not the same as being respected, or valued, or loved. And we need all these things and more to feel safe and counteract that flight response. You will make a mistake. You will piss people off. And you will be ok.
A need to be strong or in control.
This is one we usually find in our leaders and our doers. The need to have all the answers and know what we’re doing, because we’re in charge. We’re organised. We’ve got this. But when we lean into this driver, we can easily miss the power in our own vulnerability. The opportunity to role model growth and demonstrate allyship with curiosity and confidence. The kind of confidence that can only come from knowing and owning the fact that we don’t actually know.
The fear of making a mistake for us can be triggering for fight and flight responses (yeah, you guessed it, it’s more likely fight for this one) because not only do we hate to be seen to not have all the answers, but it’s such an odd feeling to actually not have all the answers too. To not have the full plan. To be willing to allow unexpected things to happen, or to learn new information that will make us uncomfortable and challenge what we thought we knew.
But when you embrace this vulnerability, and trust others to meet you with compassion (and also meeting yourself with some too), the conversations you can unlock can be game changing.
It’s not about being a good person.
It’s not about being a bad person.
We’re just people. Doing the best we can.